Distant Heart Read online

  “Perhaps.”

  “What was your mother like, Sam?” Toni asked, tilting her head slightly to look up at him.

  Sam tensed. He wasn’t one to think about his childhood and his mother had died before his fifteenth birthday. From childhood in the Sioux village, he’d always known he wasn’t like the rest. His light skin had caused years of ridicule from the other boys. He’d never felt he fit. In the Indian world or the white world.

  “It’s all right, Sam,” she said softly. “You don’t have to talk about her if you don’t want to.”

  But as Sam searched Toni’s earnest face, he knew he could trust her with his past, just as she could trust him with hers.

  “My mother was a Dakota Sioux.”

  “So your pa was white?”

  Sam gave a solemn nod, fighting the constant battle with anger that rose up inside of his chest each time he thought of the man who had fathered him.

  “Where are they now?” Toni gently prodded.

  “I do not know whether my father lives or not. My mother died many years ago.”

  Toni reached out and placed her hand on his arm. The subtle gesture tugged at his heart. He covered her hand with his own. Only for a second. “How did they meet?” she asked.

  “My father was a fur trader and came to the village to trade. My mother was a young woman, ready for marriage. They were married according to the Sioux customs and she went with him. A few months later, he was ready to leave the mountains and return to his home in Kansas. He told her he couldn’t take her with him because he had a white wife and family waiting for him. My mother returned home in disgrace. But her people welcomed her back and a few months later, I was born.”

  “The poor woman.” Toni’s face gentled with compassion.

  “When I was ten years old, she took me and went looking for my father, the man she loved.”

  “Did she find him?”

  Sam shook his head. “A lone woman with a boy? She didn’t know where he was. It was foolish of her to even try. But her heart would not allow her to remain.”

  “Did she return home?”

  “No. We wandered many weeks until finally, we came to a ranch in Missouri. The people were kind and gave mother a position washing clothes and cooking meals. This is where we stayed until my mother died. I worked as a ranch hand almost from the first day we arrived.”

  “When you were ten years old?” Toni’s incredulous tone made him smile. “That’s ridiculous.”

  “It was a good thing. The head ranch hand taught me many things about taking care of horses and identifying animals according to their tracks or droppings. He taught me the things a father should have. Because of his training, I was ready to be a tracker by the time I left at fifteen.”

  “How did your mother die?”

  Sadness clutched Sam’s heart. “Childbirth. She fell in love with one of the ranch hands and they married a year after we arrived at the ranch. Her husband, Sol, was a good man. He loved my mother and treated her well.”

  “I’m glad.”

  “Before she died, she asked me to go back to her people and tell my grandfather of her death. And that’s what I did.”

  “Did you ever return to the ranch?”

  Sam shook his head. “I found the wagon train and hired on as a tracker.”

  He had lived with the Sioux for a year, learning their ways and sharing Jesus with them. In the end, he had made several converts, but most wanted nothing to do with the gospel.

  “So you’ve haven’t had a home since you left with your mother as a boy?”

  A smile tipped Sam’s lips. “My home is in heaven. While I’m on earth my home is wherever God tells me to go. Right now, I’m living the life I’m supposed to live.”

  “But don’t you want a family?” Toni’s voice softened and she averted her gaze.

  “Yes. I pray that God will send me a wife. I’d love nothing more than to settle down and build a life with someone.”

  “That would be nice.” Toni gave him a tiny smile. “A good man like you deserves to be happily married with a passel of children.”

  The image that rose from her words included Toni herself, and the passel of children looked just like her.

  Silence loomed between them until Sam sensed a change of conversation was in order. Which was fine with him. He was ready to proudly escort this enchanting woman to the fort and share a meal and perhaps a dance with her. “Are you ready to accompany me to the fort?”

  A cloud shadowed her face and Sam knew what was coming.

  “Sam, would you mind if I change my mind and stay away from the celebration tonight?” She shuddered a little. “I know I said I would go, but I’d truly rather not.”

  Disappointment shuffled through him. But he knew better than to try to hold on to something that didn’t want to be held. “You are free to choose, Miss Toni.”

  She reached forward and touched his hand. “Thank you, Sam. I think I’d rather stay here and enjoy the beautiful night sky. It’s so peaceful with most of the camp inside the fort.” She gave another short laugh, this time with a twinkle in her eyes. “The way these people like to feud, peace is a rare commodity I’d like to take full advantage of.”

  Sam couldn’t say he blamed her; still, he felt the disappointment down to his moccasins that she hadn’t invited him to enjoy the peaceful evening with her.

  Hesitating only a second just in case she changed her mind, he hung back, then gave a nod as it became evident by her quiet perusal of the night sky that she would prefer to be alone. “Very well, I’ll leave you to your own thoughts.”

  “Thank you.” She smiled. “Have a wonderful time at the celebration.”

  “Be sure not to walk away from camp, Miss Toni.” Sam searched her face to make sure she truly did understand that he meant what he said.

  “I’ll be fine, Sam.”

  That wasn’t exactly the reassurance he’d hoped for, but he supposed he’d have to let it go. Besides, she truly did appear to seek solitude.

  “Goodnight then. Enjoy your evening.”

  As he walked away, Sam had to fight to keep from turning back and planting himself right next to Toni on the ground, sharing the wagon wheel as a backrest. He would have liked nothing more than to enjoy this lovely sunset and the coming moon with Toni. As a matter of fact, nothing would have pleased him more, but Sam recognized Toni’s plea for what it was. She desperately needed to be alone with her thoughts. He only prayed that some of those thoughts veered favorably in his direction.

  Three

  Ginger Freeman wasn’t exactly the type of person to hold a grudge. When James Walker dipped her ribbons in the inkwell during her school days, she never told the teacher, and even suffered a trip to the woodshed when she took the blame and told Pa she had lost them swimming in the river. When Zoe Barker called her dirty and stupid, she quickly forgave the girl, even shared her pa’s fried chicken. She forgave her ma for running off with that man when Ginger was only thirteen years old and needed a mother most. In short, she’d had a lot of practice letting go of anger. But no longer.

  As she searched among the pioneers, anger burned her heart. So far none of the laughing, frolicking, dancing settlers held any resemblance to the man she remembered from seven years ago. She’d only been eleven years old, but the vision of his uncaring eyes was branded into her memory forever. He was tall, with brown hair, brown eyes. Nondescript by a lot of standards. Still, Ginger hadn’t traveled from Missouri, following the man’s trail, just to walk away empty-handed.

  Frustration threatened to burn up her insides as she realized she wasn’t going to find him. She fingered the Colt hanging from her hip and glanced at the gate again. He must have stayed in camp. That was the only explanation.

  “May I have this dance, miss?”

  Ginger scowled up at a red-faced youth of no more than sixteen who stood in front of her, grinning a stupid grin that spread across his entire face. “Leave me alone,” she snapped. “Do I look
like I’m in the mood to dance?”

  “Y-yes, miss, I-I mean no,” he squeaked, going redder than before. “Sorry.”

  “Little fool,” she muttered and continued toward the gate. The guard, a private with a rifle slung across one shoulder, stopped her before she could slip outside.

  “I can’t let you outside the fort alone, miss.”

  Ginger met his gaze with a steady frown. “I can take care of myself. And I got to get back to camp.”

  “You-uh, you’re part of the wagon train?”

  Relief filled her that he believed her so readily. The fort wasn’t that large, but she hadn’t been here very long, and she’d kept to herself for the most part, so he obviously didn’t recognize her. “That’s right. My baby is sick and I need to get back to camp and take care of him.”

  A frown creased his brow. “You left your sick baby?”

  “Well, I couldn’t very well bring it to the fort, could I?” This fella didn’t have a lick of sense she had detected so far.

  “I don’t suppose…”

  Sending him a fierce look of disdain, Ginger took a step toward the gate. “Now let me out so I can go take care of my son.”

  The guard scratched his head beneath his cap. He hesitated.

  “Do I need to call the wagon master? Or perhaps your captain?”

  “I don’t know. I was told no unaccompanied women were allowed through the gate.”

  Noting the chink in his armor, Ginger pounced while he was undecided. She stepped closer and shoved her finger against his chest. “If my baby dies, you’re the one I’m coming after, soldier. Do you want her death on your hands?”

  “Her? I thought you said it was a boy.”

  Swallowing hard, Ginger forced a sarcastic little laugh. Thank mercy that soldier had more brawn than sense. It shouldn’t take too much to convince him. “No. Little Sarah is definitely a girl.”

  “But I could have sworn…”

  “You calling me a liar?”

  Alarm shot to his eyes. “No, miss—er—ma’am.”

  “Then move aside and let me out of this confounded fort. I vow, I’ll never set foot inside here again if I’m to be treated like a prisoner!”

  “May I arrange for an escort for you? Your husband, perhaps?”

  “Husband? Who said anything about a husband?” Oh! Ginger’s face burned and she was thankful for the cover of darkness to hide what was surely a blush.

  “You don’t have a husband, ma’am—er—miss?”

  “For heaven’s sake of course I have a husband. What sort of woman do you take me for?”

  “Well, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply…”

  “Perhaps you should think twice before you accuse a woman of not having a husband! I’ve never been more insulted in my life. Now get out of my way before I report your behavior to your superiors.”

  He stumbled backward, swallowing so hard his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down in his throat. “Yes, ma’am. I apologize for my unforgivable rudeness to a l-lady.”

  Ginger decided to ignore the way he stumbled over calling her a lady. After all, she couldn’t blame him. Considering the way she was dressed and the lie he must surely be wise to. Still, in the absence of proof, he had no choice but to let her go or suffer consequences should she be telling the truth. In short, Ginger had him over a barrel. And they both knew it.

  Toni leaned back, allowing the breeze to blow across her hair, neck, face. She wished fervently it was a cooling breeze, but even at dusk, the heat lingered. Not as scorching as a couple of hours ago, but still too hot to truly relax.

  Earlier, Blake had allowed for baths in the creek, but Toni hadn’t been able to force herself to undress before the women who had judged her every single day during the past months, turning their backs on her and generally making her feel more unclean than the layers of dust covering her body ever could.

  Blake had warned the entire train…women in particular, not to leave the camp without a companion and a gun. For any reason. As if they hadn’t already figured out the obvious, Blake couldn’t have stressed enough that the Cheyenne Indians in these parts were notorious for causing trouble for wagon trains. Venturing out alone was strictly forbidden. And once again, all eyes had swung to Toni. Would there ever come a day when she didn’t feel personally responsible for any trouble facing the wagon train?

  At the moment, she had neither companion nor gun. Only a burning desire to dip in the water and find relief from the unrelenting heat. Besides, there had been no sign of the Indians since the day before. Toni couldn’t imagine anyone wanting her enough to start a war.

  The more Toni sat in the sweltering heat, listening to the music and laughter coming from the fort, the more isolated she felt. She chafed at the confinement. Who would know if she dipped into the water and then returned before the rest of the wagon train. Why should they get to enjoy themselves while she sat in the miserable heat? And she really did need to bathe. She was beginning to offend herself so she could only imagine how bad she smelled to others. Especially now that most of the women of the train had taken the opportunity to wash off the trail dust and grime. And what if Fannie did come back from the fort with the news of her impending wedding? Toni wouldn’t have another opportunity to bathe before the ceremony. And she’d be darned if she was going to attend her friend’s wedding in a filthy dress covering an equally filthy body. Besides, she could be there and back before anyone was the wiser. After all, the music had barely begun.

  It didn’t take a minute for her to come to a decision. She shot to her feet and ducked inside the wagon, grabbing soap, brush, linen to dry herself with. She bundled her second dress and a fresh petticoat and backed out of the canvas.

  By the light of the bright moon, she made her way the mile and a half to where the lake rippled peacefully beneath the starlit sky. This was more like it. She sat on the bank and began unhooking her boots. She removed one, then the other, sighing in relief and wiggling her stockinged toes. But that was nowhere near good enough. Standing, she began the task of unbuttoning her dress. In moments, she had stripped down to her petticoat and bare feet.

  The air caressed her bare arms and a smile reached her lips as the heat of the day dissipated into the coolness of the gentle breeze blowing off the water.

  She toed the water. Cool, inviting, refreshing. Unable to resist for one more second, Toni waded in, grateful that her pa had insisted she learn to swim before her sixth birthday. Pebbles massaged her feet as she walked deeper and deeper into the soothing waters.

  Before long, only her neck and head remained dry. In the caress of the gentle current, all thoughts of dangerous animals and Indians fled her mind. She cupped her hands and gathered the water as her body became one with the lake. For the first time in years, Toni moved without fear, without self-consciousness. The water felt so refreshingly simple, her frustrations melted and peace flooded her heart. On a whim, she turned over and floated on her back, staring at the sky and imagining God in his glory looking down upon her. “Do you see me?” she whispered into the darkness. “Am I really clean like Sam claims I am?”

  Tears pricked her eyes. She knew the words Sam had spoken. Knew in her head that the Bible indeed stated that she was a new creature. That all of her past was behind her. That she would never be that woman she used to be.

  So why didn’t she feel new? Some days she did. Sometimes, especially when she read the Bible by firelight or listened to Sam’s preaching over the campfire for anyone who cared to join the Bible reading. But other times…images assaulted her, making her feel violated all over again. No matter how she fought against it, in her mind’s eye, she saw them. The men. She couldn’t remember names, but no matter how hard she prayed, those faces stayed with her.

  She closed her eyes and sank under the water. Perhaps it would be easier if she allowed the deep to consume her, forever silencing the menacing, mocking voices insisting that she was no good.

  Grant Kelley moved stealthily through the
darkness, wishing the moon wasn’t quite so bright. He knew he was being followed. Had even spotted his pursuer in a quick movement. The small figure clad in buckskin certainly wasn’t very skilled in keeping quiet. Every footfall sounded like a buffalo stampede.

  He’d known from the minute he followed Toni from camp, that he, too, was being followed. The only thing he couldn’t figure out was why.

  Nor could he figure out why Toni had been foolish enough to defy Blake’s orders and leave the campsite alone. After their close call with the Cheyenne the day before, she, better than anyone, should understand that the threat of an Indian attack was as real as Blake had indicated. Grant himself had seen further signs of the natives, though he hadn’t shared the information just yet. There had been no opportunity. Nevertheless, the person following was no Indian and Grant was tired of the game.

  He was just about to whip around and confront his poorly concealed tracker when a scream filled the air.

  “What was that?” a woman’s voice called behind him. Figures the stalker wasn’t even a man, but a woman. That explained a few things.

  “You know as much as I do,” he shouted back and took off at a run in the direction of the lake.

  Sam’s heart nearly burst from his chest at the sound of Toni’s cry. He stayed hidden and assessed the situation. Satisfied that there were no hostiles threatening her, he stepped out of the woods. “Miss Toni?” he called softly. “Is something wrong?”

  “Sam?” she hissed from the water, “Is that you?”

  Her tone was a mixture of fear and relief.

  “It is me.”

  “I-I feel foolish.” She moved through the water, heading toward the bank where he stood. Sam swallowed hard, using every bit of will and a heartfelt prayer heavenward to find the strength to avert his gaze. The sound of Toni’s nervous laughter put him at ease to the reality that she was in no danger. He turned his back while she exited the creek.

  “A snake swam across my legs.”

  Sam’s lips twisted into a smile. “You have nothing to feel foolish about.”